Star Trek: TOS, S1E4 - The Naked Time

     To start with, no one in this episode is naked. How's that for false advertising? Spock and a random crewman scan mannequins on an ice planet who went crazy for some unknown reason. My guess is that they're mannequins and not humans, and we don't know enough about mannequin culture to understand their strange ways. Random crewman - named Joey - takes his protective glove off to wipe his nose with his hand and then keeps the glove off like an idiot. He touches a wall that bleeds some goop onto him which drives him crazy after he touches his stupid face with the infected hand. Something tells me that Starfleet doesn't require OSHA training for their crews. Joey loses his mind, tries to shank Sulu, and goes on a philosophical diatribe about humanity not belonging in space because there's no oxygen amongst the stars to breathe. This is the same man who wiped his face with a contaminated hand so we shouldn't take anything he says at face value.

    The bleeding wall goop spreads to anyone in contact with Joey and everyone gets a lesson in pandemic causing situations. This episode should have been re-aired in 2020 to educate the masses on safety precautions because look how that went. The Enterprise orbits the ice planet and Spock informs the captain that Earth will end up with the same subzero fate once the sun dies. Joey dies from superficial wounds he inflicted upon himself and Sulu starts to go crazy. On a side note, the lighting in all of these scenes is exquisite with the type of color palette that gives off retro sci-fi beauty. I'd love to see what the sets looked like during filming! A crewman named Riley, who's kind of hot in an average guy with a good job sort of way leaves the helm and speaks in a terribly poor impression of an Irish accent. This is supposedly because the bleeding wall goop is making him lose his mind but it just comes off as him having a ton of cultural pride with a slipping accent. Sulu is now bare chested with a sword and fighting the crew he sees as pirates.

    Sulu invades the bridge and declares he will protect Uhura because she is a fair maiden. She pushes away and delivers the great one liner, "sorry, neither". Spock gives him the famous neck pinch that would one day be seen on Xena: Warrior Princess and the ship goes into pure chaos. As a side note, Riley mentions that the Enterprise has a bowling alley on it which is pretty awesome. Riley hijacks the ship's intercom and starts listing off extremely sexist rules for the women of the crew. The ship starts spiraling down towards the ice planet while a crewman laughs maniacally after painting "love mankind" on a wall. This episode is slowly becoming a drug induced fever dream with heavy handed philosophical speculations. Yeoman Rand takes the helm out of desperation and you know the Enterprise is screwed if she's their best hope. Nurse Christine admits she's in love with Spock and corners him in the infirmary in a desperate attempt to score a date. There must be something about Vulcan men that drive human women crazy. 

    Scotty breaks into the engine room and Riley, as he's carted off, pouts that there will be "no dance tonight". Spock is channeling Alanis Morisette and crying emotionally in the hall about some kind of past wrongs. It works for a song by Alanis but just isn't the vibe for a Vulcan. It's an uncomfortable couple of minutes that I could have lived without viewing. Scotty apparently can't change the laws of physics and the ship's engines won't start before it collides with the planet. Cut to Sulu screaming after McCoy came up with a miracle cure because the planet's water was infected and passed through human perspiration. Kirk listens to Spock feel sorry for himself because his mother, a human from Earth, was never told she was loved. It ends with a good slapping session from Kirk to get Spock to focus. There's surely better methods but Kirk isn't really a diplomat. Kirk becomes infected and talks about wanting a "flesh woman" to love on him but weirdly is directing the energy to the wall of a ship. Someone painted "sinner repent" on the inside turbo lift doors and McCoy starts issuing out the cure. 

    Spock works with Scotty on a formula to boost the start of the engines while Kirk creeps yeoman Rand out. The formula works, the ship is saved from a devastating crash with the ice planet full of mannequins, but the ship's engines are moving faster than possible against time. They are literally in a time warp sending them into the past. They get sent back to three days ago and everyone decides that they have to relive the same three days they had just went through. Spock offers for them to go back with the cure and save everyone the future hassle, but Kirk maintains course to their next destination. He doesn't feel like reducing occupational hazards and as a man of action, and everyone just indifferently shrugs it off. All's well that ends well, I guess?